Freedom

[Vixen]

Hi, I'm Amy. I live in Arlington, TX. I recently came out as an atheist to my very religious TX family.  I finally feel free. I've been living a lie for so long. 

It has complicated some things, however. I recently got engaged, and my father will only pay for the wedding if we get married at the church. He even threatened to not come to my wedding if I do it somewhere else. I'm 32 years old, and having my father at my wedding has been a part of my dreams since I was a little girl. 

We might just go to Vegas and get married at the chapel at Paris hotel with just some of our friends. But my family would probably disown me. I'd probably lose my inheritance, which is definitely a sizable amount considering my parents established wealth. 

Ugh.

[Dom]

Hi, I'm Amy. I live in Arlington, TX. I recently came out as an atheist to my very religious TX family.  I finally feel free. I've been living a lie for so long. 

It has complicated some things, however. I recently got engaged, and my father will only pay for the wedding if we get married at the church. He even threatened to not come to my wedding if I do it somewhere else. I'm 32 years old, and having my father at my wedding has been a part of my dreams since I was a little girl. 

We might just go to Vegas and get married at the chapel at Paris hotel with just some of our friends. But my family would probably disown me. I'd probably lose my inheritance, which is definitely a sizable amount considering my parents established wealth. 

Ugh.

Welcome!

What does your partner think about it?

[brewerb]

Welcome.

Have two weddings, the one you want and the one they want. You can pretend one last time.

[Vixen]

Hi, I'm Amy. I live in Arlington, TX. I recently came out as an atheist to my very religious TX family.  I finally feel free. I've been living a lie for so long. 

It has complicated some things, however. I recently got engaged, and my father will only pay for the wedding if we get married at the church. He even threatened to not come to my wedding if I do it somewhere else. I'm 32 years old, and having my father at my wedding has been a part of my dreams since I was a little girl. 

We might just go to Vegas and get married at the chapel at Paris hotel with just some of our friends. But my family would probably disown me. I'd probably lose my inheritance, which is definitely a sizable amount considering my parents established wealth. 

Ugh.

Welcome!

What does your partner think about it?

He thinks we should just do our own thing. He's been an atheist his entire life. My father and my fiance barely get along because of politics and religion. No doubt my father is probably blaming him for converting me (mostly true).

[Cavebear]

Hi, I'm Amy. I live in Arlington, TX. I recently came out as an atheist to my very religious TX family.  I finally feel free. I've been living a lie for so long. 

It has complicated some things, however. I recently got engaged, and my father will only pay for the wedding if we get married at the church. He even threatened to not come to my wedding if I do it somewhere else. I'm 32 years old, and having my father at my wedding has been a part of my dreams since I was a little girl. 

We might just go to Vegas and get married at the chapel at Paris hotel with just some of our friends. But my family would probably disown me. I'd probably lose my inheritance, which is definitely a sizable amount considering my parents established wealth. 

Ugh.

Welcome to the hated side of town...

In some things, you can be practical. Get marry in a civil ceremony (which costs little), put up with a church ceremony (and some can be rather minimal), or negotiate a location ceremony near you with some tolerant religious leader. And if you meet Dad's grudging minimum, ask for a big check "to start you off with a house or something" and take the money.

Yeah you are new atheist, but not the first to "put up with" a ceremony. So long as you don't become a "bridezilla" you can make it relatively simple (just look at Daddy with Big Eyes and say you want it have it "family and friends" and slash the invitee list "covid-19 concerns and all that".

Stay practical. Atheists sometimes have to put up with religious ceremonies. I attended a couple and admired all the church windows before I dozed off.

Mostly though, decide what is important. Temporary is temporary. Don't elope. I have it on the best authority (women friends who eloped) that you will feel cheated and "sort of vaguely not-quite married". The ceremony is important (and there can be ceremonies in atheist life).

Trade Dad's desire for the least ceremony you can get away with that satisfies you and get money. Money is practical. Money means a house. House lasts a lot longer than a wedding at a church.

Happy wedding...

[Bcat]

Welcome! I think you have to decide which is more important to you: Standing by your principles or having your father at your wedding. I’m sure it’s not any easy choice. You could always get married at the courthouse beforehand and then do the big wedding thing at the church—like brewer said have two weddings. I will add that just because you’re an atheist doesn’t mean you can’t go to church. I’m an atheist and I go to church with my mom on occasion because it makes her happy. I’m fine with it because I like making my mom happy and it doesn’t impact my atheism one bit.

[Dom]

Welcome.

Have two weddings, the one you want and the one they want. You can pretend one last time.

That's what I did, long ago. One for family, one for friends. It was fun.

[Dānu]

If you don't believe, objecting to a church wedding seems pointless, unless you believe other things which are what is making it hard.

Why is it, as it sounds, important that you not be married in a church?

[Gwaithmir]

Welcome from Middle Earth! 

[Cavebear]

The ladies can't stand NOT being married in a church. I suspect without proof (never being married) that they want to see the groom not run away or faint in the most serious place they can imagine as they walk up the aisle Dad in hand (there, theoretically today but more practically in yesteryears to beat the nervous groom into submission if need be).

I rest my case...

[Vixen]

The 2 weddings is a really great idea!! We can do the one at church for our families, and then go to Vegas and have a cheap one during our honeymoon with all our non religious friends. My father will be technically paying for both since he said I can pick anywhere I want for the honeymoon. Caesars Palace? Venetian? Wynn? Paris/Bally's? Thanks for the idea!

[Minimalist]

HI, Amy.  Welcome.

Your father sounds like a control freak.  Emotional blackmail is stock in trade for those people.  He'll keep doing it until you tell him "No."

[brewerb]

The 2 weddings is a really great idea!! We can do the one at church for our families, and then go to Vegas and have a cheap one during our honeymoon with all our non religious friends. My father will be technically paying for both since he said I can pick anywhere I want for the honeymoon. Caesars Palace? Venetian? Wynn? Paris/Bally's? Thanks for the idea!

Have you seen/read about conditions in Vegas right now? Might want to rethink your destination if you're doing this soon.

[Fireball]

Welcome!

Something to consider- the clergyman is authorized by the state to perform your marriage. In spite of all the religious hoopla about "being consecrated", that is still true. I had a church wedding because my wife-to-be wanted one. It wasn't until I saw the marriage license that the state gave the authorization to the officiant, not the church.

[Vixen]

The 2 weddings is a really great idea!! We can do the one at church for our families, and then go to Vegas and have a cheap one during our honeymoon with all our non religious friends. My father will be technically paying for both since he said I can pick anywhere I want for the honeymoon. Caesars Palace? Venetian? Wynn? Paris/Bally's? Thanks for the idea!

Have you seen/read about conditions in Vegas right now? Might want to rethink your destination if you're doing this soon.

Oh, our wedding isn't until June. Hoping there will be a vaccine by then, at least for the elderly and people at risk, so they can start opening things back up.

[brewerb]

The 2 weddings is a really great idea!! We can do the one at church for our families, and then go to Vegas and have a cheap one during our honeymoon with all our non religious friends. My father will be technically paying for both since he said I can pick anywhere I want for the honeymoon. Caesars Palace? Venetian? Wynn? Paris/Bally's? Thanks for the idea!

Have you seen/read about conditions in Vegas right now? Might want to rethink your destination if you're doing this soon.

Oh, our wedding isn't until June. Hoping there will be a vaccine by then, at least for the elderly and people at risk, so they can start opening things back up.

They're also having a minor crime wave on the strip. Should be gone by June.

[Vixen]

HI, Amy.  Welcome.

Your father sounds like a control freak.  Emotional blackmail is stock in trade for those people.  He'll keep doing it until you tell him "No."

Well, it is his money. And it's something I agreed to when I was a believer. At the time, it's what I wanted. The church I used to attend is beautiful. Look at it through his point view, he probably feels betrayed. He paid for me to go to private school. Countless youth group trips and programs. And 4 years at TCU. He paid for my housing and food the entire 4 years of college too. We're not talking about some random guy here that I can just push out of my life. I love my father more than anyone on this earth, and that includes my fiance and my best friends. To see him hurt would cause me more pain than if he were to die.

[Cheerful Charlie]

Hi, I'm Amy. I live in Arlington, TX. I recently came out as an atheist to my very religious TX family.  I finally feel free. I've been living a lie for so long. 

It has complicated some things, however. I recently got engaged, and my father will only pay for the wedding if we get married at the church. He even threatened to not come to my wedding if I do it somewhere else. I'm 32 years old, and having my father at my wedding has been a part of my dreams since I was a little girl. 

We might just go to Vegas and get married at the chapel at Paris hotel with just some of our friends. But my family would probably disown me. I'd probably lose my inheritance, which is definitely a sizable amount considering my parents established wealth. 

Ugh.

Do two marriages. One to appease your father and family.  The other for yourself the way you want it.  That will be the real marriage.  If you have to play games, play them well.

Yes, it is true, "Religion poisons everything" as per Christopher Hitchens.

Welcome to Atheist  Discussion.

[Vixen]

Have you seen/read about conditions in Vegas right now? Might want to rethink your destination if you're doing this soon.

Oh, our wedding isn't until June. Hoping there will be a vaccine by then, at least for the elderly and people at risk, so they can start opening things back up.

They're also having a minor crime wave on the strip. Should be gone by June.

That's no good, but my fiance and most of his friends in the wedding party/best man are police officers. I feel pretty safe in our group.

[c172]

Hi, I'm Amy. I live in Arlington, TX. I recently came out as an atheist to my very religious TX family.  I finally feel free. I've been living a lie for so long. 

It has complicated some things, however. I recently got engaged, and my father will only pay for the wedding if we get married at the church. He even threatened to not come to my wedding if I do it somewhere else. I'm 32 years old, and having my father at my wedding has been a part of my dreams since I was a little girl. 

We might just go to Vegas and get married at the chapel at Paris hotel with just some of our friends. But my family would probably disown me. I'd probably lose my inheritance, which is definitely a sizable amount considering my parents established wealth. 

Ugh.

Welcome! Interesting first post, and one that everybody seems to have weighed in on by now. 

He even threatened to not come to my wedding if I do it somewhere else. I'm 32 years old, and having my father at my wedding has been a part of my dreams since I was a little girl.

Family is imperfect at best. Toxic at worst. Not to be overrated. 

But, yes, I've always been fascinated by the ceremony of it. The long, flowing, lacy dress. Everybody dressed in their Sunday best, or more. and yes, a mainline church. Think Sixteen Candles.  

 
I'd probably lose my inheritance, which is definitely a sizable amount considering my parents established wealth.

That would be annoying to me, depending on his wealth. My dream home was always a 3-br airpark home with a '17 Silverado and a vintage Porsche or Jaguar in the garage and a Cessna 172 and HondaJet in the hangar. Plus, while money is not really love, withholding money shows something other than love. To me---I'm not trying to imply that's how it really is. 

The legal ceremony is what means the most for me. The strictly ceremonial side of it could have been figured out by me and my mate, and us only, regardless of how it matches (or doesn't) with the wants of our parents.

I wonder how the inlaws feel about all this.

ETA: Inlaws!* Not inlas.

[Vixen]

Hi, I'm Amy. I live in Arlington, TX. I recently came out as an atheist to my very religious TX family.  I finally feel free. I've been living a lie for so long. 

It has complicated some things, however. I recently got engaged, and my father will only pay for the wedding if we get married at the church. He even threatened to not come to my wedding if I do it somewhere else. I'm 32 years old, and having my father at my wedding has been a part of my dreams since I was a little girl. 

We might just go to Vegas and get married at the chapel at Paris hotel with just some of our friends. But my family would probably disown me. I'd probably lose my inheritance, which is definitely a sizable amount considering my parents established wealth. 

Ugh.

Welcome! Interesting first post, and one that everybody seems to have weighed in on by now. 

He even threatened to not come to my wedding if I do it somewhere else. I'm 32 years old, and having my father at my wedding has been a part of my dreams since I was a little girl.

Family is imperfect at best. Toxic at worst. Not to be overrated. 

But, yes, I've always been fascinated by the ceremony of it. The long, flowing, lacy dress. Everybody dressed in their Sunday best, or more. and yes, a mainline church. Think Sixteen Candles.  

 
I'd probably lose my inheritance, which is definitely a sizable amount considering my parents established wealth.

That would be annoying to me, depending on his wealth. My dream home was always a 3-br airpark home with a '17 Silverado and a vintage Porsche or Jaguar in the garage and a Cessna 172 and HondaJet in the hangar. Plus, while money is not really love, withholding money shows something other than love. To me---I'm not trying to imply that's how it really is. 

The legal ceremony is what means the most for me. The strictly ceremonial side of it could have been figured out by me and my mate, and us only, regardless of how it matches (or doesn't) with the wants of our parents.

I wonder how the inlas feel about all this.

I definitely think having 2 weddings is the best idea, a "ceremony" of the union for our families, and a legal one of our choosing. The benefit is that we can have all of our local family and friends attend, because I'm sure most don't want to travel to the hot Las Vegas desert in June. And our close friends that we hang out with will definitely go to vegas.

[Cavebear]

HI, Amy.  Welcome.

Your father sounds like a control freak.  Emotional blackmail is stock in trade for those people.  He'll keep doing it until you tell him "No."

Well, it is his money. And it's something I agreed to when I was a believer. At the time, it's what I wanted. The church I used to attend is beautiful. Look at it through his point view, he probably feels betrayed. He paid for me to go to private school. Countless youth group trips and programs. And 4 years at TCU. He paid for my housing and food the entire 4 years of college too. We're not talking about some random guy here that I can just push out of my life. I love my father more than anyone on this earth, and that includes my fiance and my best friends. To see him hurt would cause me more pain than if he were to die.

You do get to change your mind. Parents do things for hope but without certain outcomes. You are not simply your Dad's hopes, you are foremost "you". You said you were 32 if I recall. Act like that adult and make your own decisions.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Hiyas from Hill Country.

[TheGentlemanBastard]

Howdy from a mile high.

[kittycate198]

Hi Amy,
Welcome and sorry you're having a tricky time with the fam!
I look forward to getting to know you.