Favoite Robert Ingersoll Quotes

[Minimalist]

Give the theists something to whine about.

We have already compared the benefits of theology and science. When the theologian governed the world, it was covered with huts and hovels for the many, palaces and cathedrals for the few. To nearly all the children of men, reading and writing were unknown arts. The poor were clad in rags and skins -- they devoured crusts, and gnawed bones. The day of Science dawned, and the luxuries of a century ago are the necessities of to-day. Men in the middle ranks of life have more of the conveniences and elegancies than the princes and kings of the theological times. But above and over all this, is the development of mind. There is more of value in the brain of an average man of to-day -- of a master-mechanic, of a chemist, of a naturalist, of an inventor, than there was in the brain of the world four hundred years ago.

     These blessings did not fall from the skies. These benefits did not drop from the outstretched hands of priests. They were not found in cathedrals or behind altars -- neither were they searched for with holy candles. They were not discovered by the closed eyes of prayer, nor did they come in answer to superstitious supplication. They are the children of freedom, the gifts of reason, observation and experience -- and for them all, man is indebted to man.
-- Robert Green Ingersoll

[Gwaithmir]

“The Bible has not civilized mankind. A book that establishes and defends slavery and wanton war is not calculated to soften the hearts of those who believe implicitly that it is the work of God. A book that not only permits, but commands, religious persecution, has not, in my judgment, developed the affectional nature of man. Its influence has been bad and bad only. It has filled the world with bitterness, revenge and crime, and retarded in countless ways the progress of our race.” (Robert G. Ingersoll)

[Gwaithmir]

“In Philadelphia, I inadvertently came across a copy of Robert Ingersoll’s essays and lectures. It was an exciting discovery; his atheism confirmed my own belief that the horrific cruelty of the Old Testament was degrading to the human spirit.” (Charlie Chaplin) 

[Minimalist]

[Gwaithmir]

“The inspiration of the Bible depends upon the ignorance of the gentleman who reads it.” (Robert G. Ingersoll) 

[Cheerful Charlie]

“If the bible be true, God commanded his chosen people to destroy men simply for the crime of defending their native land. They were not allowed to spare trembling and white-haired age, nor dimpled babes clasped in the mothers' arms. They were ordered to kill women, and to pierce, with the sword of war, the unborn child. 'Our heavenly Father' commanded the Hebrews to kill the men and women, the fathers, sons and brothers, but to preserve the girls alive. Why were not the maidens also killed? Why were they spared? Read the thirty-first chapter of Numbers, and you will find that the maidens were given to the soldiers and the priests. Is there, in all the history of war, a more infamous thing than this? Is it possible that God permitted the violets of modesty, that grow and shed their perfume in the maiden's heart, to be trampled beneath the brutal feet of lust? If this was the order of God, what, under the same circumstances, would have been the command of a devil?

Robert Ingersoll - Some Mistakes Of Moses

[Cheerful Charlie]

“Can we believe that the real God, if there is one, ever ordered a man to be killed simply for making hair oil, or ointment? We are told in the thirtieth chapter of Exodus, that the Lord commanded Moses to take myrrh, cinnamon, sweet calamus, cassia, and olive oil, and make a holy ointment for the purpose of anointing the tabernacle, tables, candlesticks and other utensils, as well as Aaron and his sons; saying, at the same time, that whosoever compounded any like it, or whoever put any of it on a stranger, should be put to death. In the same chapter, the Lord furnishes Moses with a recipe for making a perfume, saying, that whoever should make any which smelled like it, should be cut off from his people. This, to me, sounds so unreasonable that I cannot believe it. Why should an infinite God care whether mankind made ointments and perfumes like his or not? Why should the Creator of all things threaten to kill a priest who approached his altar without having washed his hands and feet? These commandments and these penalties would disgrace the vainest tyrant that ever sat, by chance, upon a throne.”
― Robert G. Ingersoll, Some Mistakes of Moses

The entire book of Some Mistakes Of Moses is a true eye opener for those who have never had the patience to read to Bible carefully. All the grotesqueness, stupidity, cruelty and inanity of the Pentateuch is on misplay in no uncertain terms.

[Gwaithmir]

"Whoever imagines himself a favorite with God holds other people in contempt. Whenever a man believes that he has the exact truth from God, there is in that man no spirit of compromise. He has not the modesty born of the imperfections of human nature; he has the arrogance of theological certainty and the tyranny born of ignorant assurance. Believing himself to be the slave of God, he imitates his master, and of all tyrants, the worst is a slave in power." (Robert G. Ingersoll) 

[Cheerful Charlie]

When I was young, and was looking for information about the Bible from an atheist point of view, two books taught me how to think about the Bible. Some Mistakes Of Moses by Ingersoll, and The Age Of Reason by Thomas Paine. When early on in Usenet, I found alt.bible.errancy. Sitting there with a bible and going all Ingersoll on various tall tales from the Bible was jolly great fun. It was not what Ingersoll said that was important, it was how Ingersoll taught me to critique the Bible with care, and logic and no mercy.

Azimov's guide to the Bible was helpful also.

[Gwaithmir]

“He who endeavors to control the mind by force is a tyrant, and he who submits is a slave.” (Robert G. Ingersoll) 

[Minimalist]

We have heard talk enough. We have listened to all the drowsy, idealess, vapid sermons that we wish to hear. We have read your Bible and the works of your best minds. We have heard your prayers, your solemn groans and your reverential amens. All these amount to less than nothing. We want one fact. We beg at the doors of your churches for just one little fact. We pass our hats along your pews and under your pulpits and implore you for just one fact. We know all about your mouldy wonders and your stale miracles. We want a this year's fact. We ask only one. Give us one fact for charity. Your miracles are too ancient. The witnesses have been dead for nearly two thousand years.

-- Robert Green Ingersoll, "The Gods" (1872)

[Minimalist]

It may be that ministers really think that their prayers do good and it may be that frogs imagine that their croaking brings spring.

-- Robert Green Ingersoll, "Which Way?" (1884)

[Cheerful Charlie]

It may be that ministers really think that their prayers do good and it may be that frogs imagine that their croaking brings spring.

-- Robert Green Ingersoll, "Which Way?" (1884)

The Cock stands on his dung heap and imagines his crowing causes the sun to rise.
- Old French saying

[Gwaithmir]

"A fact never went into partnership with a miracle. Truth scorns the assistance of wonders. A fact will fit every other fact in the universe, and that is how you can tell whether it is or is not a fact. A lie will not fit anything except another lie." (Robert G. Ingersoll) 

[Old Man Marsh]

"I'm hungry."

Robert G. Ingersoll

[Gwaithmir]

“Happiness is the only good. The time to be happy is now. The place to be happy is here. The way to be happy is to make others happy.” (Robert G. Ingersoll)