I'm pregnant!

[Mark]

Hey guys, figured I'd give an update now that I am officially 14 week. The baby so far is looking okay. Measurements are on par with his age, heartbeat is normal, and no major abnormalities have been seen yet at this point. 

I did get some abnormal lab results back a couple of weeks ago that have me pretty upset, and that is my liver enzymes are elevated and there is some protein in my pee. Also, my blood pressure had been slightly rising ever since getting pregnant and is now at the threshold of "high". 

These are all indications of oncoming early onset preeclampsia, which have me pretty nervous. I had preeclampsia with my last baby too, and though that isnt the ultimate reason he died, it was certainly a contributing factor. 

My maternal fetal specialist I've been seeing has told me I have PTSD surrounding my last pregnancy, and... well, these new findings havent helped ease my mental state. 

Not much that I can be do about preeclampsia except to keep taking my low dose aspirin and eventually take blood pressure meds if/when it gets any higher. But none of that does anything to help with the underlying condition itself. 

Anyway, just figured I'd let yall know where things stand right now, and here is a picture of him from last week: 

I can't decide which of you the baby looks more like so far.

[LastPoet]

@Catholic_Lady Soon you will be walking around like a penguin lol. I used to make fun of my wife. You have to be carefull about your back.

[Catholic_Lady]

I wanted to thank you all for your support, well wishes, and kind words.

I am currently emotionally preparing myself for what will probably be another late term baby loss. My blood pressure is definitely high now, and paired with the lab results from 4 weeks ago, things just aren't looking good. The thing with Preeclampsia is that a good outcome depends exactly on the baby's gestational age. That is because the only way to "cure" preeclampsia is to deliver the baby. Otherwise it will just keep getting worse and worse, will damage mom's organs (kidney, liver, and brain), and kill the baby and possibly the mom too. If preeclampsia happens later in pregnancy, the baby can survive the delivery, but if it happens early, he won't survive delivery.

Given that I am only 14 weeks, already have high blood pressure, and had those abnormal lab results when I was only 10 weeks, is not good. I have not been diagnosed with preeclampsia yet, because it is still too early to actually have preeclampsia. But the fact that it is already on it's way so early on is very bad.

I called my OB today, telling her that I think I'm going to end up losing the baby to early onset preeclampsia. I was hoping she would give me some reassurance - tell me that there are things we can do, and that baby will likely be fine. But all she could say was that we just have to keep taking things one day at a time, and that she is going to have me repeat the labs to see my status. She told me to take Benedryl for anxiety and to see a counselor.

I'm just not seeing how this is going to work, and I find myself in the same place I was at last time - knowing the baby won't make it and just having to wait for it to be over.

I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about this. I don't want to stress out my loved ones (my husband and my mom), and don't feel right bringing this burden on friends who have their own things to deal with. I don't want to completely break down because I don't want to put that burden on my poor husband, who's only mistake was marrying me. And he has to lose his only babies because of me. I don't want him to have to deal with a broken, sad wife on top of it all. I just have to be strong and take this on myself, but it's so hard.

[Mark]

I wanted to thank you all for your support, well wishes, and kind words.

I am currently emotionally preparing myself for what will probably be another late term baby loss. My blood pressure is definitely high now, and paired with the lab results from 4 weeks ago, things just aren't looking good. The thing with Preeclampsia is that a good outcome depends exactly on the baby's gestational age. That is because the only way to "cure" preeclampsia is to deliver the baby. Otherwise it will just keep getting worse and worse, will damage mom's organs (kidney, liver, and brain), and kill the baby and possibly the mom too. If preeclampsia happens later in pregnancy, the baby can survive the delivery, but if it happens early, he won't survive delivery.

Given that I am only 14 weeks, already have high blood pressure, and had those abnormal lab results when I was only 10 weeks, is not good. I have not been diagnosed with preeclampsia yet, because it is still too early to actually have preeclampsia. But the fact that it is already on it's way so early on is very bad.

I called my OB today, telling her that I think I'm going to end up losing the baby to early onset preeclampsia. I was hoping she would give me some reassurance - tell me that there are things we can do, and that baby will likely be fine. But all she could say was that we just have to keep taking things one day at a time, and that she is going to have me repeat the labs to see my status. She told me to take Benedryl for anxiety and to see a counselor.

I'm just not seeing how this is going to work, and I find myself in the same place I was at last time - knowing the baby won't make it and just having to wait for it to be over.

I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about this. I don't want to stress out my loved ones (my husband and my mom), and don't feel right bringing this burden on friends who have their own things to deal with. I don't want to completely break down because I don't want to put that burden on my poor husband, who's only mistake was marrying me. And he has to lose his only babies because of me. I don't want him to have to deal with a broken, sad wife on top of it all. I just have to be strong and take this on myself, but it's so hard.

I wonder if this has ever been treated with marijuana.  It seems to help with unwanted involuntary bodily actions like lack of appetite and nausea.  Maybe it would work?  (I don't actually use it recreationally any more but I wouldn't hesitate if it were recommended for a medical condition.)

[Mark]

From my first look into it, it seems marijuana use while pregnant is discouraged for fear of causing preeclampsia. Never mind.

[Aliza]

Thank you for the update. I'm so sorry that you see it going in this direction, but please just try to stay calm and follow the advice of the doctor's office. Get to the therapist, take the Benedryl, and just calm down. 

I know that's hard to do right now, but keep this thought in the back of your mind: if the doctor thought it was an emergency, they'd pull you into the hospital or at least into their office ASAP. 

You're not out of the game right now.

[julep]

I’m very sorry you’re going through this.  I hope things go much better than you fear and that the treatments work to keep you both safe until a live delivery is possible.   Maybe the new set of labs will turn in a positive direction.  

I hope you can get yourself calmed a bit until the situation becomes clearer, and also that your doctor has some good suggestions for how to manage things.

[Mathilda]

There's nothing I can say CL except I'm really sorry to hear this. Don't worry about your loved ones. The less stress you have right now the better. That's easy for me to say I know but they'll be there for you. Concentrate on yourself.

[abaris]

I am currently emotionally preparing myself for what will probably be another late term baby loss.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

[Joods]

I don't know what to say other than I am still going to remain optimistic for you and that I love you. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

[Bucky Ball]

One of my friend's ultrasounds showed the tyke's right hand up (like saying "hi mom").

You are seeing a high risk OB person, I hope.

[GirlyMan]

I wanted to thank you all for your support, well wishes, and kind words. ... Given that I am only 14 weeks, already have high blood pressure, and had those abnormal lab results when I was only 10 weeks, is not good. I have not been diagnosed with preeclampsia yet, because it is still too early to actually have preeclampsia. But the fact that it is already on it's way so early on is very bad. 

Had to google the condition, it makes me sad. If you and hubbies sperm and egg are good to go and you just can't physiologically bear it, how come you just don't go surrogate instead? Me and Manly would definitely go surrogate. .... Hell, we still might. I mean if we could.  

[Tres Leches]

I wanted to thank you all for your support, well wishes, and kind words.

I am currently emotionally preparing myself for what will probably be another late term baby loss. My blood pressure is definitely high now, and paired with the lab results from 4 weeks ago, things just aren't looking good. The thing with Preeclampsia is that a good outcome depends exactly on the baby's gestational age. That is because the only way to "cure" preeclampsia is to deliver the baby. Otherwise it will just keep getting worse and worse, will damage mom's organs (kidney, liver, and brain), and kill the baby and possibly the mom too. If preeclampsia happens later in pregnancy, the baby can survive the delivery, but if it happens early, he won't survive delivery.

Given that I am only 14 weeks, already have high blood pressure, and had those abnormal lab results when I was only 10 weeks, is not good. I have not been diagnosed with preeclampsia yet, because it is still too early to actually have preeclampsia. But the fact that it is already on it's way so early on is very bad.

I called my OB today, telling her that I think I'm going to end up losing the baby to early onset preeclampsia. I was hoping she would give me some reassurance - tell me that there are things we can do, and that baby will likely be fine. But all she could say was that we just have to keep taking things one day at a time, and that she is going to have me repeat the labs to see my status. She told me to take Benedryl for anxiety and to see a counselor.

I'm just not seeing how this is going to work, and I find myself in the same place I was at last time - knowing the baby won't make it and just having to wait for it to be over.

I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about this. I don't want to stress out my loved ones (my husband and my mom), and don't feel right bringing this burden on friends who have their own things to deal with. I don't want to completely break down because I don't want to put that burden on my poor husband, who's only mistake was marrying me. And he has to lose his only babies because of me. I don't want him to have to deal with a broken, sad wife on top of it all. I just have to be strong and take this on myself, but it's so hard.

 
Please don't isolate yourself. You've done nothing wrong. Nothing. Keeping everything inside will only make you feel more depressed and anxious. From everything you've told us about your husband, he sounds like a supportive man. And he may be feeling exactly the same way you are feeling now. You need each other. If you're close to your mom, talk to her too. Even just a simple text that you're worried can open the door to a conversation.


Keep us updated on how you're doing, I'll be keeping an eye on this thread.

-Teresa

[TheGentlemanBastard]

CL, go dump on friends and family. That's what friends and family do. Support each other. Those who are unwilling to help when you're in need are undeserving of help when they're in need.

Get as much of that stress out of your system as you can. You can do this, girl! Just, maybe not alone.

[KittyAnn]

My dear CL ... I tried to imagine how is hard to you, how you must suffer terribly ..but now I don't even try it ... I just feel your suffering and I'm so very sorry that you have to go through this and that it's so massacring your psyche..it's terrible.. but I'm begging you never think about yourself that you are a bad wife, that you are a burden to your husband ... I'm sure that he loves you, regardless of everything, that he loves you and regardless of everything, he would give everything to you so that you can be happy and healthy!!! You are both so wonderful, so don't give in to this bad thoughts ...
..and as I wrote in an e-mail, try my way how to lower your blood pressure though a bit, bit...
I know that we all just speak ..and for us is easier to talk about it and everyone of us has wonderful advice but the true is ...we are not in your place ... but I also know that you will find your own way how to handle with it because you were and are a great person for me, a great personality and above all a good and wise woman....
I hope that all these words from people will give you at least a substitute of peace, hope and consolation ... don't give in to these black thoughts and trust your husband ... share with him everything that's bothering you.. HE is your best friend, remember this!!!
Warm hugs and love

[Mathilda]

I do know what you mean though CL about feeling like you are a burden on your husband. I actually feel the same about being asexual and infertile. It feels like I have ruined his life when he could have found someone else to have a healthy sex life and build a family with. Like it was my fault that he chased me for half a year before I finally gave in. I think it's one of the prime reasons that I have been OK with him sleeping with other women.

But it's not a healthy way to think and is a very skewed perception born out of my own frustration. He knew from the outset that I am infertile yet our marriage has still improved both of our lives. While I focus on what I haven't done for him (give him sex or provide children), he reminds me of all the things that I have done which no one else could. I am sure that your husband could list many ways that you have improved his life. Yes it's difficult, and emotionally traumatic, but there is still hope. And time. Medical science is improving all the time.

Marriage is about supporting one another so that you are both stronger together than alone. Together you can make this happen.

[Dom]

Marriage is about supporting one another so that you are both stronger together than alone. Together you can make this happen.

This. Marriage is about people having each other's backs. People supporting each other's endeavors, whatever they may be and however it all turns out. Marriage itself is about two adults, family is about children. There are many ways to add children to form a family. 

Inability to bear children does not define your value as a wife and a woman. Women are not cattle. The ability to understand and support your husband in his endeavors makes you a good wife, and his ability to understand you and support your endeavors makes him a good husband. You are partners in life and help each other to make it pleasant and successful for each other.

Unless death do you part, a good marriage lasts a life time. Children take up but a small portion of your life - roughly 20 years out of 80. A marriage may last 60 years out of 80. 

When you put yourself down because you have not had luck bearing children, it's your hormones talking, not your head. Remember that hormones skew your view - they are designed to. They make sure you are totally preoccupied with the life you are carrying, so it is well protected. Your husband does not have these same hormones, so you can be pretty sure that he views things differently.

[Minimalist]

That really sucks C/L but you have to protect your own life.

Stay strong, Sweetie.

[Aroura]

@Catholic_Lady
First, I am really sorry to hear about the bad lab results and high blood pressure.

Second, your husband did not make a mistake by marrying you! I'm sure he does not think that, and does not want you to think that either. You cannot control this, and you need each other, however it goes.

My very best wishes. ~hugs~

[KevinM1]

Don't have much more to add, except to echo what others have said - your husband is your partner. And, really, not opening up and sharing your concerns and feelings with him is actually doing him a disservice. Instead of being a selfless act, it's a way of demonstrating that you don't trust him or your relationship enough to lean on him through the tough times.

"Through sickness and health" isn't just a phrase. It's a core component of the pact you made. You're not a bad person for actually honoring that aspect of the pact with him. And, if he's the guy you think he is, he would expect it, if not welcome it. Because, it's not just your pregnancy, but his as well. He likely has fears and concerns that he's holding deep down inside because he doesn't want to add to your stress. In the end, this lack of honest communication isn't actually helping anyone.

Not trying to be overly critical, especially with everything you're dealing with, but isolating yourself is self-destructive. Why not give him a chance? I mean, that's one of the reasons why you married him, right?

In any event, I'm sending you a big internet hug.

[OakTree500]

Hey CL, more well wishes coming your way here!

Just take it one day at a time and see how things go. We're all keeping you in our thoughts.

[Phaedrus]

Good vibes have been sent, people have said their words. My contribution would merely be minuscule in comparison.

The only advice I have to offer is that you should end the torment and the heartache and just adopt if motherhood is that important to you.

[Catholic_Lady]

Hey everyone. I wanted to apologize for my meltdown the other day. I see now that may have been the PTSD talking. I saw my OB yesterday and she finally put my mind at ease. Yes, my blood pressure is slightly high, and yes protein levels in my pee were slightly above normal, and yes, my liver enzymes were just a tad bit over what they like to see. But my OB told me that as of now, she's "not worried." Because none of those values are severe, and baby is currently growing appropriately. She also said my anxiety may very well be playing a role in my higher blood pressure.

Two days ago I was completely convinced the baby was gonna die and it was gonna be de ja vu all over again... and while I'm still scared, and we're all on alert, I see now that my conclusion was premature.

My OB has referred me to see a counselor for the remainder of my pregnancy, and is also going to repeat all that lab work to see if the values have gotten any higher.

Thanks all for the support. Very few people in my real life even know I'm pregnant. Only immediate family and a few (very few) close friends. I'm keeping it that way in case things end badly. So yeah, it can feel very alone and scary when I have no one to talk to. Thanks again for listening and for all the people who sent me PM's. Means a lot.

[Vera]

I see now that my conclusion was premature.

Yep, no premature conclusions or babies allowed

Everything will be fine

[Mathilda]

So happy to hear this CL and no worries about your meltdown. I would be surprised if you didn't have one considering what you have been through.