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Jokes
#26

Jokes
[Image: 49158481_10216983078944221_2037913173943...e=5CC4C17A]
"The advantage of faith over reason, is that reason requires understanding. Which usually requires education; resources of time and money. 
Religion needs none of that. - It empowers the lowliest idiot to pretend that he is wiser than the wise, ignoring all the indications otherwise "
 - A. Ra
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#27

Jokes
A German Sheperd, a Doberman, and a cat died. All three are faced with God who wants to know what believe in.
The German Sheperd says "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master."
"Good" says God, "then sit down on my right side."
The Doberman says "I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master."
"Aha" says God, "you may sit on my left"
Then he looks at the cat and the cat says "I believe you're in my seat"
2+2=4
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#28

Jokes
Theists.
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#29

Jokes
A man said to his working buddies, "Hey guys, they’ve opened a new brothel near us! It's fantastic- they pick you up in a limo, take you there, you drink champagne all night, and have sex as often as you like, too. Then they drive you back home in the limo and stuff twenty dollars in your pocket before letting you out right at your front door!"

One guy pipes up and says, "That sounds too good to be true, they do all that and pay you. I don’t get it? Have you ever been?" He said, “No, but the wife goes three times a week!"
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
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#30

Jokes
The comma in a sentence can change everything!
For example:
I drink a beer.
I drink a comma.
2+2=4
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#31

Jokes
Quote:The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.  The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.  Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful.  It produced lots of milk all the time,and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.  Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.  However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.  They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.  An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side. The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded.  They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.  "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?
"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Robert G. Ingersoll : “No man with a sense of humor ever founded a religion.”
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#32

Jokes
Quote:An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golf ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I know! I'll give him the three things I would want - a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods, and when he goes looking for the ball, the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. And if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?!"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Robert G. Ingersoll : “No man with a sense of humor ever founded a religion.”
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#33

Jokes
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
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#34

Jokes
(01-09-2019, 06:49 AM)LonaWolf Wrote: I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

It's good that you finally saw the light.
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#35

Jokes
[Image: well-played-joke_c_2878193.webp]
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#36

Jokes
[Image: funny-circumcision-joke-from-rugrats-the...24237.webp]
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#37

Jokes
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Democrat.
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are , due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.  You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
"The advantage of faith over reason, is that reason requires understanding. Which usually requires education; resources of time and money. 
Religion needs none of that. - It empowers the lowliest idiot to pretend that he is wiser than the wise, ignoring all the indications otherwise "
 - A. Ra
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#38

Jokes
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired a Consultant to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour

‘If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

‘Oh, certainly!' the consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
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#39

Jokes
What to you call a confused Asian?


Disoriented.
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#40

Jokes
Quote:In the world of romance, one single rule applies:  
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points. 
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. 
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. 


Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system: 


SIMPLE DUTIES 
You make the bed. (+1) 
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10) 
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3) 
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) 
But return with Beer. (-5)
PROTECTIVE DUTIES  
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1) 
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0) 
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5) 
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10) 
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-30)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS  
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1) 
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2) 
Named Tina (-10) 
Tina is a dancer. (-20) 
Tina has breast implants. (-40)
HER BIRTHDAY  
You take her out to dinner. (+2) 
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3) 
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) 
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3) 
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT  
You take her to a movie. (+1) 
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5) 
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6) 
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) 
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3) 
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE  
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15) 
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) 
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30) 
You say to her, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION  
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) 
(Yes, you lose points no matter what) 
You hesitate in responding. (-10) 
You reply, "Where?" (-35) 
You give any other response. (-40)
COMMUNICATION  
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2) 
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) 
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500) 
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
Robert G. Ingersoll : “No man with a sense of humor ever founded a religion.”
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#41

Jokes
How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
"The advantage of faith over reason, is that reason requires understanding. Which usually requires education; resources of time and money. 
Religion needs none of that. - It empowers the lowliest idiot to pretend that he is wiser than the wise, ignoring all the indications otherwise "
 - A. Ra
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#42

Jokes
[Image: 66660_wrb2s1h6ckw4r5h_full.jpeg?v=2]
"The advantage of faith over reason, is that reason requires understanding. Which usually requires education; resources of time and money. 
Religion needs none of that. - It empowers the lowliest idiot to pretend that he is wiser than the wise, ignoring all the indications otherwise "
 - A. Ra
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#43

Jokes
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

Will transparent glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen!


I know, I know, there the door is... girl blushing
“We drift down time, clutching at straws. But what good's a brick to a drowning man?” 
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#44

Jokes
(01-23-2019, 07:14 PM)Vera Wrote: [i]What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

What did the vendor say when the Buddhist asked for his change? Change comes from within.
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#45

Jokes
[Image: 140692_149w1lvjmt6grii_full.png?v=2]
"The advantage of faith over reason, is that reason requires understanding. Which usually requires education; resources of time and money. 
Religion needs none of that. - It empowers the lowliest idiot to pretend that he is wiser than the wise, ignoring all the indications otherwise "
 - A. Ra
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#46

Jokes
An 80-year-old rancher from Nebraska goes to the NU Medical Center in Omaha for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’
‘I’m from Nebraska and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting
or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is well.’
‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?’
‘Who said my Father’s dead?’
The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?’
‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old cowboy. ‘In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Nebraska rancher and he hunts and fishes too!’
‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?’
‘Who said my Grandpa’s dead?’
Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still alive?’
‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’
‘No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting Married??? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’
‘Who said he wanted to?’
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
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#47

Jokes
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
My Argument Against Free Will Wrote:(1) Ultimately, to control your actions you have to originate your original nature.

(2) But you can't originate your original nature—it's already there.

(3) So, ultimately, you can't control your actions.
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#48

Jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road? To have its motives questioned.
My Argument Against Free Will Wrote:(1) Ultimately, to control your actions you have to originate your original nature.

(2) But you can't originate your original nature—it's already there.

(3) So, ultimately, you can't control your actions.
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#49

Jokes
One of my absolute, absolute favorites:
Quote:A story by David Moser...

This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself

This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second sentence. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic value of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this is a self-referential story, that is, a story containing sentences that refer to their own structure and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending to the first paragraph.
This is the first sentence of a new paragraph in a self-referential story. This sentence is introducing you to the protagonist of the story, a young boy named Billy. This sentence is telling you that Billy is blond and blue-eyed and American and twelve years old and strangling his mother. This sentence comments on the awkward nature of the self- referential narrative form while recognizing the strange and playful detachment it affords the writer. As if illustrating the point made by the last sentence, this sentence reminds us, with no trace of facetiousness, that children are a precious gift from God and that the world is a better place when graced by the unique joys and delights they bring to it.

This sentence describes Billy's mother's bulging eyes and protruding tongue and makes reference to the unpleasant choking and gagging noises she's making. This sentence makes the observation that these are uncertain and difficult times, and that relationships, even seemingly deep-rooted and permanent ones, do have a tendency to break down.

Introduces, in this paragraph, the device of sentence fragments. A sentence fragment. Another. Good device. Will be used more later.

This is actually the last sentence of the story but has been placed here by mistake. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself in his bed transformed into a gigantic insect. This sentence informs you that the preceding sentence is from another story entirely (a much better one, it must be noted) and has no place at all in this particular narrative. Despite claims of the preceding sentence, this sentence feels compelled to inform you that the story you are reading is in actuality "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and that the sentence referred to by the preceding sentence is the only sentence which does indeed belong in this story. This sentence overrides the preceding sentence by informing the reader (poor, confused wretch) that this piece of literature is actually the Declaration of Independence, but that the author, in a show of extreme negligence (if not malicious sabotage), has so far failed to include even one single sentence from that stirring document, although he has condescended to use a small sentence fragment, namely, "When in the course of human events", embedded in quotation marks near the end of a sentence. Showing a keen awareness of the boredom and downright hostility of the average reader with regard to the pointless conceptual games indulged in by the preceding sentences, this sentence returns us at last to the scenario of the story by asking the question, "Why is Billy strangling his mother?" This sentence attempts to shed some light on the question posed by the preceding sentence but fails. This sentence, however, succeeds, in that it suggests a possible incestuous relationship between Billy and his mother and alludes to the concomitant Freudian complications any astute reader will immediately envision. Incest. The unspeakable taboo. The universal prohibition. Incest. And notice the sentence fragments? Good literary device. Will be used more later.

This is the first sentence in a new paragraph. This is the last sentence in a new paragraph.

This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence raises a serious objection to the entire class of self-referential sentences that merely comment on their own function or placement within the story e.g., the preceding four sentences), on the grounds that they are monotonously predictable, unforgivably self- indulgent, and merely serve to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which at this point seems to concern strangulation and incest and who knows what other delightful topics. The purpose of this sentence is to point out that the preceding sentence, while not itself a member of the class of self-referential sentences it objects to, nevertheless also serves merely to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which actually concerns Gregor Samsa's inexplicable transformation into a gigantic insect (despite the vociferous counterclaims of other well- meaning although misinformed sentences). This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement.

This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This is almost the title of the story, which is found only once in the story itself. This sentence regretfully states that up to this point the self-referential mode of narrative has had a paralyzing effect on the actual progress of the story itself -- that is, these sentences have been so concerned with analyzing themselves and their role in the story that they have failed by and large to perform their function as communicators of events and ideas that one hopes coalesce into a plot, character development, etc. -- in short, the very raisons d'etre of any respectable, hardworking sentence in the midst of a piece of compelling prose fiction. This sentence in addition points out the obvious analogy between the plight of these agonizingly self-aware sentences and similarly afflicted human beings, and it points out the analogous paralyzing effects wrought by excessive and tortured self- examination.

The purpose of this sentence (which can also serve as a paragraph) is to speculate that if the Declaration of Independence had been worded and structured as lackadaisically and incoherently as this story has been so far, there's no telling what kind of warped libertine society we'd be living in now or to what depths of decadence the inhabitants of this country might have sunk, even to the point of deranged and debased writers constructing irritatingly cumbersome and needlessly prolix sentences that sometimes possess the questionable if not downright undesirable quality of referring to themselves and they sometimes even become run-on sentences or exhibit other signs of inexcusably sloppy grammar like unneeded superfluous redundancies that almost certainly would have insidious effects on the lifestyle and morals of our impressionable youth, leading them to commit incest or even murder and maybe that's why Billy is strangling his mother, because of sentences just like this one, which have no discernible goals or perspicuous purpose and just end up anywhere, even in mid

Bizarre. A sentence fragment. Another fragment. Twelve years old. This is a sentence that. Fragmented. And strangling his mother. Sorry, sorry. Bizarre. This. More fragments. This is it. Fragments. The title of this story, which. Blond. Sorry, sorry. Fragment after frag- ment. Harder. This is a sentence that. Fragments. Damn good device.

The purpose of this sentence is threefold: (1) to apologize for the unfortunate and inexplicable lapse exhibited by the preceding paragraph; (2) to assure you, the reader, that it will not happen again; and (3) to reiterate the point that these are uncertain and difficult times and that aspects of language, even seemingly stable and deeply rooted ones such as syntax and meaning, do break down. This sentence adds nothing substantial to the sentiments of the preceding sentence but merely provides a concluding sentence to this paragraph, which otherwise might not have one.

This sentence, in a sudden and courageous burst of altruism, tries to abandon the self-referential mode but fails. This sentence tries again, but the attempt is doomed from the start.

This sentence, in a last-ditch attempt to infuse some iota of story line into this paralyzed prose piece, quickly alludes to Billy's frantic cover-up attempts, followed by a lyrical, touching, and beautifully written passage wherein Billy is reconciled with his father (thus resolving the subliminal Freudian conflicts obvious to any astute reader) and a final exciting police chase scene during which Billy is accidentally shot and killed by a panicky rookie policeman who is coincidentally named Billy. This sentence, although basically in complete sympathy with the laudable efforts of the preceding action-packed sentence, reminds the reader that such allusions to a story that doesn't, in fact, yet exist are no substitute for the real thing and therefore will not get the author (indolent goof-off that he is) off the proverbial hook.

Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph.

The purpose. Of this paragraph. Is to apologize. For its gratuitous use. Of. Sentence fragments. Sorry.

The purpose of this sentence is to apologize for the pointless and silly adolescent games indulged in by the preceding two paragraphs, and to express regret on the part of us, the more mature sentences, that the entire tone of this story is such that it can't seem to communicate a simple, albeit sordid, scenario.

This sentence wishes to apologize for all the needless apologies found in this story (this one included), which, although placed here ostensibly for the benefit of the more vexed readers, merely delay in a maddeningly recursive way the continuation of the by-now nearly forgotten story line.

This sentence is bursting at the punctuation marks with news of the dire import of self-reference as applied to sentences, a practice that could prove to be a veritable Pandora's box of potential havoc, for if a sentence can refer or allude to itself, why not a lowly subordinate clause, perhaps this very clause? Or this sentence fragment? Or three words? Two words? One?

Perhaps it is appropriate that this sentence gently and with no trace of condescension reminds us that these are indeed difficult and uncertain times and that in general people just aren't nice enough to each other, and perhaps we, whether sentient human beings or sentient sentences, should just try harder. I mean, there is such a thing as free will, there has to be, and this sentence is proof of it! Neither this sentence nor you, the reader, is completely helpless in the face of all the pitiless forces at work in the universe. We should stand our ground, face facts, take Mother Nature by the throat and just try harder.

By the throat. Harder. Harder, harder.

Sorry.

This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself.

This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is.

Sorry.
My Argument Against Free Will Wrote:(1) Ultimately, to control your actions you have to originate your original nature.

(2) But you can't originate your original nature—it's already there.

(3) So, ultimately, you can't control your actions.
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#50

Jokes
[Image: 50539511_1248306931991104_78108122301270...e=5CF3AA6F]
"The advantage of faith over reason, is that reason requires understanding. Which usually requires education; resources of time and money. 
Religion needs none of that. - It empowers the lowliest idiot to pretend that he is wiser than the wise, ignoring all the indications otherwise "
 - A. Ra
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